The degree of grief that I feel at any one particular moment can change in an instant. Sometimes I feel absolutely fine and then I see a reminder of Scott - a coffee mug, an article of clothing, his empty spot at the dinner table - and I'm instantly in tears. Other times, I hear a song, see a picture, or imagine his voice and I well up with emotion. Sometimes, for a very brief moment, I completely forget he is gone from my world ---tonight the kids and I were watching TV and smiling and laughing and I thought to myself 'I have to call Scott and tell him about this' as if he were on a business trip in which he would soon be returning home - then I remembered he wouldn't be coming home. But, by far, nighttime is the worst time. When I crawl into bed at night and he's no longer with me, saying he loves me and kissing me goodnight, is when I miss him the most.
Grief also doesn't always present itself with tears. Sometimes it's a strong physical ache deep inside my heart that won't go away. Sometimes it's sudden feeling of complete exhaustion like all I can do is lie down and go to sleep or find somewhere to be alone. Sometimes I feel so lonely, even when I'm surrounded by people, because he is the one who should be at my side cheering on our kids at sporting events or socializing at a neighborhood BBQ. And then sometimes grief is simply anger. Anger that he is gone, that he won't come back, that I have to raise our kids without him, that I have to make life decisions without his advice and input, anger about so many things.
Papa Ron suggested to me a couple of weeks ago that I should try to follow the H.A.L.T. principle -
- never get too Hungry
- never get too Angry
- never get too Lonely
- never get too Tired
So I try to follow this for me and also watch for it in my kids. If I'm feeling one of those things, I try not to dwell in it's wake for too long -- long enough to grieve -- but not long enough to fall into the "too" arena. It's not going to be easy and it will take some work and I'll miss him for a very, very long time but as I told him before he left this world, I'll be ok. I know in time, I'll be ok.
Thanks for the great advise Papa Ron.