Baby Steps...

So I was talking with my oldest sister this week and I began to tell her how I used to think that things just fell into place throughout difficult times in my life.  When my parents moved away two months after I graduated college, I found a job and a place to live.  When money was tight, I moved to a lower rent apartment and found a better paying job.  Life continued this way - things seemed to always work out for me - with my education, my career, my home, my friends, my family, and of course, with Scott.  But as I have gotten older, I realize that those things didn't "just happen", they happened because I worked at making them happen.  I worked hard in college and graduate school to get the good job.   I switched jobs if things weren't working out.  I sought out the changes needed to steer my life in the desired direction.  Scott and I were planners - we planned when to buy our first house, when to have our first, then second child.  We made good financial decisions and made sure that life was how we wanted it to be.  We also tried to plan for the "what if" events that life could throw at us.

And life threw us a curve ball - and now I have to decide what to do with it.  My life isn't turning out the way that I planned. (and I'm a planner!) I spent the past 10 years trying to save Scott from the cancer that was predicted to take his life.   I put all my efforts into research, phone calls, doctors appointments and even learned to read MRIs so I could ask the right questions.   But it didn't work out the way we wanted.  And now I have to decide how I want the next chapter of my life to play out. I could let grief take over and boy would I have a good excuse as to why things weren't working out so good for me.  Or I could do what I have always done and take charge and make things how I want them to be.  It won't happen right away and I'm sure I'll continue to have daily moments when I miss Scott and the life that I thought we'd have together.  But then I'll pick myself up (and Paige and JJ too) and work to make life the way I want it to be - for me and for Paige and JJ.  I'm not even sure yet what that life will look like yet but I know that I don't want to live it in long days of sorrow and Scott wouldn't want that either.

 This week, Paige, JJ and I played a game of frisbee in the backyard one night. We were listening to music, the air was hot, and we were enjoying being together.  That might not sound like much but it was fun...it was the kind of moment that I want to have many more of in my life.  This is what I will work towards -- it might not be as grand as the plans of the past but it's a simple one that I can wrap my head around right now.   Baby steps....

xoxo,

Julie