I don't know what happens when someone leaves our physical world but I know this...each and every day, I long to find a sign from Scott. Sometimes I even beg for it. Even more, I desperately long to feel his physical presence beside me. Last week was my birthday...a day I was hoping would pass by without much fanfare this year. I didn't want to celebrate. I didn't feel celebratory. It was the first birthday in 25 years that I'd be celebrating without him.
The night before my birthday I missed Scott so much and I cried so hard that it became difficult to breathe. By the time, I calmed myself down, I was exhausted and forgot to read a page in the book that I usually read before bed each night. The book is called Healing After Loss and was given to me by a friend. Each page corresponds with a day in the year and gives a quote or bible verse, an explanation of how it applies to the grieving process, and a one sentence phrase that you can use as a kind of mantra to help in healing. It wasn't until the next night, my birthday, that I read the page for August 23rd, the day before my birthday. Here is what it said:
I know this was Scott helping to comfort and calm me. You see, he read Psalm 23 every day for a long time and even when he was unable to read it himself, his mom read it to him. We had it read at his funeral and it's printed on some of his prayer cards from the visitation. It must of been Scott and his way of telling me to use Psalm 23 to comfort myself as he had used it to comfort him.
I know someday we will meet again but that will likely not be for a very long time. And though I want nothing more than to see him, feel him, and hear him, I know that for now, I have to find him in more abstract places. Its not the same but it's all I have.