High Highs and Low Lows

Grief does some havoc to the emotional system, this is something I've learned.  The past few weeks have been busy ones...the kids and I started back to school.  These were monumental moments.  Paige started high school and JJ started middle school.  I really felt alright with all of that.  The kids enjoyed their first weeks of school and the anxiety level was low.  I was happy with the routine that the school year provides and even though I'd rather drink my coffee at a more leisurely pace in the morning, I crave routine.  With all of this going on, I still can't seem to predict when I'll be feeling the loss of Scott so immensely that it is hard to carry on or when I'll be just fine and even have brief moments when I forget the reality of all that's happened.

Our 18th wedding anniversary would have been on September 5th.  I thought about him all that day and even went with Paige to buy a bouquet of flowers that I thought he would have brought home for me. Every year since we got married, we would spend part of our anniversary reliving the day we got married by watching our video and looking at pictures.  I couldn't bring myself to watch the video but I thought about him all that day.  There are days, like that day, where the grief is so great that my whole self hurts.  It's hard to describe but my entire body feels overcome by the grief.  It doesn't even have to be a "special" kind of day.  Sometimes it's just an ordinary day but my sadness sets in and it becomes hard to shake.

I don't yet see how life will turn out or how I might emerge from the loneliness I feel at times.  So for now, I'll take the emotional roller coaster ride and enjoy the highs highs and work my way through the lowest of lows.

Paige and JJ on the first day of school