So many people have talked to me about how hard the firsts were going to be...the first holidays, the first vacations, the first sports events for the kids, the first turn of a new season...all the firsts without Scott...so many. And those people were right. The firsts of everything are immensely difficult. But the lasts can catch me by surprise...I don't typically think ahead about the lasts. As we all know, this is tax season and tax season sucks for everyone. But for me this year, I am filing Scott's estate tax forms --- filing his final forms. And for the yearly tax forms, it's the last time we are married, filing jointly. The last time. I'll say it again, the last time. It hurts. I'm now supposed to refer to myself as "single" but that doesn't sound or feel right at all. I don't want to let go...I don't want to let go of all the lasts. I want to hang on to them tightly....
I didn't even realize when some things were going to be the last....when was the last time I danced with Scott? When did we last go for a walk together? When did he last sleep in my bed? I talked a lot in my previous blog post about love and love's healing powers for grief and that is all true but grief is painful. Some days it feels more painful than other days. Today was one of those days. Not every day is like today. Some days, the sun shines bright and the memories feel happy, and life is ok. Sometimes it's even better than ok -- some days are good. So don't take this post the wrong way. But sometimes it feels good to tell it the way it is at this very moment. This is how it is right now.
I know they'll be new firsts and new lasts. I'll deal with them one by one as they come. And I know I'll be ok. It won't always be easy but I'll be ok. I believe that. A few weeks ago, when I was looking through some old momentos of our life together - so many firsts and lasts - I was listening to a prime music station when the song linked below came on. I know it was Scott letting me know he was there with me and telling me that I'll be ok. I know I will and each week gets a little better. I know I'll be ok. I just miss Scott and the life that we thought we'd have together.
You'll Be OK: https://youtu.be/esWZMmlYalQ