Grief

Grief is something that I've experienced before in my life.  I had a friend die when I was in 8th grade, I lost my grandparents when I was in college, and my Dad died in 2005 - before Scott was diagnosed with brain cancer.   And although I learned a little about grief from all those experiences, and the most when my Dad passed, nothing compares to the grief that I feel from losing Scott.  I'm learning now that grief comes in many forms and sometimes pops up when I least expect it.

The degree of grief that I feel at any one particular moment can change in an instant.  Sometimes I feel absolutely fine and then I see a reminder of Scott - a coffee mug, an article of clothing, his empty spot at the dinner table - and I'm instantly in tears. Other times, I hear a song, see a picture, or imagine his voice and I well up with emotion.  Sometimes, for a very brief moment, I completely forget he is gone from my world ---tonight the kids and I were watching TV and smiling and laughing and I thought to myself 'I have to call Scott and tell him about this' as if he were on a business trip in which he would soon be returning home - then I remembered he wouldn't be coming home.  But, by far, nighttime is the worst time.  When I crawl into bed at night and he's no longer with me, saying he loves me and kissing me goodnight, is when I miss him the most.

Grief also doesn't always present itself with tears.  Sometimes it's a strong physical ache deep inside my heart that won't go away.  Sometimes it's sudden feeling of complete exhaustion like all I can do is lie down and go to sleep or find somewhere to be alone.  Sometimes I feel so lonely, even when I'm surrounded by people, because he is the one who should be at my side cheering on our kids at sporting events or socializing at a neighborhood BBQ.  And then sometimes grief is simply anger.  Anger that he is gone, that he won't come back, that I have to raise our kids without him, that I have to make life decisions without his advice and input, anger about so many things.

Papa Ron suggested to me a couple of weeks ago that I should try to follow the H.A.L.T. principle -

• never get too Hungry 
• never get too Angry
• never get too Lonely
• never get too Tired

So I try to follow this for me and also watch for it in my kids.  If I'm feeling one of those things, I try not to dwell in it's wake for too long -- long enough to grieve -- but not long enough to fall into the "too" arena.   It's not going to be easy and it will take some work and I'll miss him for a very, very long time but as I told him before he left this world, I'll be ok.  I know in time, I'll be ok.

Thanks for the great advise Papa Ron.

xoxo,

Julie

I miss him.

Graduations

Tomorrow (Thursday) Paige graduates from middle school and on Friday, JJ has his last day of elementary school.  They will be experiencing milestones in their lives but they will be doing it without the physical presence of their Dad.  This carries with it a bittersweet feel and causes all our hearts to feel a bit heavy.  

I'm told that the year of firsts is the hardest---first time celebrating holidays without him, first time vacationing without him, first time weathering a storm through the night without him, first time hosting friends without him, and this first time of childhood milestones without him. 

I wish I knew some magic words or actions to make everyone feel better but I don't so I'll just tell my kids how proud I am of them and all their hard work through the hardest year of their lives and and how proud their Dad is of them and how he is watching them and sharing this special time with them even though they can't see him.

We all miss him every moment of every day.  I know time will heal but this year of firsts will not be easy.

Xoxo,

Julie

Final Resting Place

Today (Monday), Scott was laid to rest in the columbarium in the memorial garden behind the Presbyterian Church in New Providence.  For me, it brought some closure to the events of the past week and a half.  It is a beautiful place where I know I will go on a regular basis to feel close to Scott.

Last week the tree that was purchased in honor of Scott by some very good friends of ours was planted in our backyard.  It is a redbud forest pansy tree with heart shaped leaves.  It was at Scott's celebration of life party covered with memories and pictures brought by friends and family and is now a permanent fixture in the backyard that he loved so much.  It is also a place where we can 'just be' and feel Scott's presence all around us.  He would have loved it.

Wishing for all of you a place where you can stop and take a break from life and 'just be'. 

Xoxo,

Julie 

Father's Day

I was amazed by the constant stream of sunshine that surrounded us this week.  The only break in the sun was Thursday morning, one week after Scott passed, that we were greeted with some small passing clouds and very brief showers.  I truly believe Scott planned that so he could see me "just be" lying in the hammock in the shade of the tree we always called our "baby tree" (because it was a baby tree when we bought our house) for a little time each day.  And so that we would all gather around in the lawn chairs being together and remembering him.

This weekend we will think about the amazing Dad he was to Paige and JJ.   He really did so much with them.  When they were little and even as they got older, it was him who took them on weekend excursions so that I could get the errands done in preparation for the school week.  He would take them to the dog park, hiking around the lake at the Watchung reservation, fishing, to the town pool or lifetime athletic, to friends houses and sporting events, or just an outing to Grammy's house.  He was a hands-on Dad who loved his kids more than anything else in this world.  

Here is a video that I made for Scott for father's day 2014 that I showed at his celebration of life last Sunday night.  Happy Father's Day Scott - we miss you and love you SO much.  You will always be #1 to us.  

xoxo,

Julie

If the video embedded below, doesn't work, click this YouTube link:  https://youtu.be/sy9j8PF61jo

Memorial Church Service Recording

Sunday's memorial service for Scott was supposed to stream live but there were technical glitches that occurred and caused it not to stream.  I'm sorry to all of you who live far away and tried to stream the service but could not.  Below is a link to a recording of Sunday's funeral service if you would like to see it now, albeit a little late.

https://vimeo.com/170666796/3be4c2ee6a

As for me, the grief that I feel is almost paralyzing at times but the kids and I are  blessed to be surrounded by good friends and family to help us through these tough days.  

Xoxo,

Julie

An amazing weekend

This is just a short post to say thank you for an amazing weekend honoring the man I love. I think he would have loved each and every event and would have been smiling as we ended last night with dancing .  I go this morning (Monday) with Jan to say my final goodbye.   

Xoxo,

Julie

Bikers for Brooke

Just a reminder that you are invited to join us on Evergreen Ave to watch the motorcycle ride go by for the Brooke Healey Foundation at 10:30am Sunday.  They will ride by our house at about 10:45. To learn about the Brooke Healey Foundation or to make a donation, go to: http://brookehealey.com/about/ 

Some of us will be wearing orange in honor of The Spoerl Brainstormer team that has raised tens of thousands of dollars over the past ten years for brain cancer research so feel free to wear your hats if you have them or any orange you have in your closet!

Xoxo, 

Julie 

RSVP for Celebration and Live Streaming for Church Service

What a whirlwind the past couple of days has been.  It actually hasn't even been 48 hours yet...I feel Scott everywhere...in every room of my house, in my thoughts, in songs that I listen too, in the feel of the sun and breeze outside...and as a friend said, forever in my heart.

As for the details of the weekend...

CHURCH SERVICE LIVE STREAMING OVER THE INTERNET

There are several of our friends and family that could not fly in on such short notice so our church will be streaming Scott's church service on Sunday at 2pm EST Live over the Internet.  Just go to:  http://pcnp.churchonline.org 

SCOTT'S CELEBRATION OF LIFE ON SUNDAY DETAILS

Grand Summit Hotel @ 5pm: For those who were close to Scott Spoerl and/or a family member of Scott's, we welcome you to join us in celebrating his life.  We will have a large real tree at the celebration that you can hang a photo on or write a memory on a card (we will have cards there or you can bring one).  We will then plant this tree in our backyard sometime this week to forever think of Scott and his love of the earth and the environment.  Please RSVP to the celebration using the link below: http://goo.gl/forms/7nmpaAmjFIHDjF3h2   if you'd like to join us.


I feel a wall of support and love from friends and family helping me through this weekend.  Your thoughts, prayers, hugs, and notes are so appreciated.

xoxo,
Julie

Visitation, Funeral, and Celebration Details

Scott was loved by so many people.  All of you who knew him well, knew he loved to be surrounded by friends and family and so we will be remembering his life at the following events:

Saturday, June 11th 

• Visitation at Bradley Funeral Home: 299 Morris Avenue, Summit, NJ.  For details (not finished yet), go to: https://www.bradleyfuneralhomes.com/tribute/scott-spoerl-june-09-2016.html 
• 2-4pm
• 6-8pm
• In lieu of flowers, please donate to one of the following charities:
• Voices Against Brain Cancer
• The Brooke Healey Foundation
• The New Providence Presbyterian Church

Sunday, June 12th

• 10:30am: Bikers for Brooke will be leaving the New Providence Community Pool Parking lot and riding past our house shortly thereafter to honor Scott and his battle with brain cancer.  We welcome you to line our street (Evergreen Avenue) with us in memory of Scott. 

• 2pm: Memorial Service at the New Providence Presbyterian Church: 1307 Springfield Ave, New Providence, NJ

• 5pm: For those who were close to Scott Spoerl and/or our family and would to join us in celebrating his life, we welcome you to join us at the Grand Summit Hotel. Please feel free to bring photos and/or be willing to share memories at the event. Please RSVP using the link below: http://goo.gl/forms/7nmpaAmjFIHDjF3h2  by Friday.  

Scott is now at Peace

He left our world peacefully this morning and was surrounded by the love of his family. I'm sure he feels free and is talking up a storm to all those who greeted him on his journey Home to Heaven.

Details about the visitation, funeral and celebration will be posted later today.

No visitors today

Thank you for your understanding.

No visitors today

Thank you for your understanding.

Scott will Remain at Overlook

We met with a hospice Doctor today (Wednesday) who, very gently, told us that she thinks Scott will not be with us for very much longer.  We will be keeping him in this beautiful room at Overlook where he will be made comfortable by nurses available around the clock.  This afternoon and evening, we gathered together as a family and surrounded him with love. There were so many emotions packed into this day that it is too difficult for me to put them into words.

I don't know what else to say. 

   Paige and Scott during a wakeful moment today

    Father and Son

Xoxo,

Julie 

Resting comfortably

Scott spent most of the day today (Tuesday) sleeping with some brief periods when he woke up to listen to a friend or family member or eat a little bit of food. He needed less morphine and oxygen today so that was a step in a good direction.   I am working with the hospice nurse (who communicates with Scott's oncologist) to make a plan for when he will be discharged.  We don't know when that will be -- it all depends upon how our plan goes.  He has some trouble swallowing so some of his medications are hard to take at home.  We are looking into substitutions and liquid forms. Then I want to try this out at Overlook before we leave.  As for the nose bleed, all seems to be holding tight right now -- I like that the packing he has in his nose remains there until it dissolves so hopefully that means no nose bleeds anytime soon -- or ever!  

Paige and JJ had a lunch away from school today and came to visit Scott over their lunch hours.  It was nice all being together on a week day at lunch time :)      Now it's time for me to make up my "hospital bed" so that I can be with Scott during the night should he need me.  Overlook actually provided me with my choice of two different sleeper chairs to use during his stay...that is a huge step up from Columbia where they don't provide any!

Good night all.  Sweet dreams.

xoxo,
Julie  

Atlantic Health In-Patient Hospice Room

On Monday, mid-day, Scott was moved to a beautiful private room on the 3rd floor of Overlook Hospital and admitted here as an in-hospital hospice patient.  He has been sleeping most of the day with very brief periods of eye opening and hand squeezing.  An ENT came and took out the very large packing (called a nose tampon!) and put in a smaller packing.  This has seemed to make him a little more comfortable and we are hoping he won't need as much morphine now.   He still has a lot of congestion and swallowing is difficult so he hasn't eaten or drank much since being admitted here on Saturday night.  For now, we are taking it day by day, hour by hour.  The hospice nurses will assess his needs and medications here over the next day or two and make a plan for the end of the week.

Thank you for keeping Scott and our family in your thoughts and prayers.  Having to watch Scott suffer is beyond the most difficult thing I have ever experienced.  I have moments when I think about the Scott that I fell in love with and I know that he is still inside his failing body - but I miss him terribly.  It makes me incredibly angry, sad, and terrified all at the same time.  Then I push past those feelings and I make sure that I treasure each moment that we spend together - each and every tiny moment because I know these won't last forever.

xoxo,
Julie

My Survivor

Scott is resting in his hospital bed with an elevated heart rate and labored breathing. His nose is packed which seems to have successfully stopped the bleeding.  We were told by the ER Doctor that it was a posterior bleed (back further in the nasal cavity).  They have given him morphine and an oxygen mask which helps to provide some rest to him.  He will remain here for another night and may be admitted to an in-patient hospice room on a different floor while the nose hopefully clots successfully and his vitals even out.

I learned from my sister in law, Laura, that today is National Cancer Survivor's Day.  Scott is my survivor fighting to survive each day.   

Xoxo,

Julie

Admitted to Overlook

We made another call to 911 last night because Scott was bleeding from his nose and coughing up blood again (this was the third time as it had happened at home on Tuesday night too but we were able to get it under control that night).  He was admitted to a room on the neuro floor after a massive bleed from his nose and mouth occurred in the ER as the doctor was trying to cauterize him.  I will update more later as I have more details. The nurse is currently working on meds and fluids to make him more comfortable.